


The tears don't fall (but they don't stop either)

by gamerkitty6274



Series: Strem's Torture Chamber [1]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/F, One-Shot, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-09 21:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11113641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerkitty6274/pseuds/gamerkitty6274
Summary: Just because you're not drowning doesn't mean you're swimming





	The tears don't fall (but they don't stop either)

Just because you're not drowning doesn't mean you're swimming. 

 

Hanamaru knew that very well. It was clearer to her on some days, where she would bring a book out with her and sit outside on a rock halfway up the hill, the sun shines through the leaves and it's cloud after beautiful cloud of golds and reds and ambers. The wind smells of honey and grain and it's autumn, it's beautiful. It's beautiful, but after a while she tries to reach for something higher but she (slips, falls, trips, she's stupid and clumsy) always runs out of breath before she could reach the top. She would never reach the top if she was fat like this. Seeing Kanan and You run up and down again and again with ease just reinforced that thought.

 

In days gone by she would sit next to a tree and wouldn't think much of it at all, but after repeated looks at herself in the mirror, constant remarks from Mari and Yoshiko about how much she was eating and from the way fans made comments about how slimly beautiful Dia was and how slim and (beautiful, perfect, and angel, everything Hanamaru couldn't be) cute Ruby was she decided that she was the reason. She was too fat.

 

And that day, she lifted up her top and pinched the skin around her waist, looking at her reflection in the puddle and she winced, she really was fat. Hanamaru began to run, her book still clutched in one hand, up the stairs, but at some point her feet stopped moving after just a little while and there's a feeling in her chest that almost overwhelmed her and she leaned against a lamppost for breath, the tears pricking at her eyes. When was it so hard to just dance, to run up the hill with everyone else, _keeping up_  with everyone else? When did her feet suddenly stop moving and she had to extend her hands to stop her from falling over (She should just let herself fall)? She had tried dieting in the past but she never had the resilience to try it. She lifts her shirt up again and pinches the same place, except harder, letting herself feel the thick ring of fat that differed her from everyone else. She gasped; it hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. In fact, she could get used to that feeling. She did it again, harder than before until her nails dug into her skin, leaving deep, red marks. She almost screamed, but she silenced herself, she deserved it. 

 

* * *

 

When she got home, she decided she needed to have more determination; she really needed to be slimmer and pretty like everyone else was. So she picked up her phone and scrolled down to where Ruby was in her contacts, but she paused. Why would someone as slim and cute as Ruby care about her stupid problems? Why would she even care about Hanamaru in the first place? She was being stupid and she knew it, but then why did her finger hover above the call button? She was such a coward.

 

She bit her lip, then forced her finger onto the green icon. As the call began she almost made up her mind to press end call but instead she bit down harder and kept silent as Ruby picked up.

 

"Hanamaru-chan?" Ruby asked. She sounded happy and Hanamaru felt a pang of jealousy but mentally slapped herself for doing so. What was wrong with Ruby being happy? "What is it?" 

 

"Oh- um- I just wanted to know how CYaRon are doing with their new song!" She said quickly. Why was she dodging it? Why wasn't she telling her? She should just- she opened her mouth to speak, but she choked on her words.

 

"Oh, we're doing fine! Chika-san is writing the lyrics at the moment, and You-san's costumes are really cute! How's AZALEA doing?'

 

How _were_ they doing? Hanamaru couldn't even remember the last time they'd gathered to discuss their new song. Dia was often busy with student council duties  and Kanan almost always had the diving shop to run, but she really was being selfish for worrying about her own problems over the ones of her subunit's. Besides, with a body like hers, would she even look any good in the costumes? Wouldn't Dia and Kanan just ridicule her? Maybe she should just leave... Hanamaru shook her head. She was being stupid again, overthinking things. Dia and Kanan were both very nice people, there was no way either of them would, would they? Would they? The very thought cause a lump to form in her throat which she gulped down hastily before the tears came again. 

 

"Hanamaru-chan? Are you there?" Ruby's worried voice came through and she was jolted back to reality. 

 

"Oh, um, yes, I'm here. Sorry, this new book I got is really good, I couldn't resist..." She trailed off, almost laughing at the unlikeliness of her excuse, but Ruby seemed to take it. 

 

".         That's very like you, Hanamaru-chan." She giggled through the phone. "Wha   

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, Strem here. I know I need to update but every time I start writing I can't come up with anything that isn't robotic, cringey or both, and if I force it out it's so ooc that i delete th whole thing and start again. That's why for now you'll only see me writing one-shots/drabbles like this one.


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